Well, well, well. Look who decided to crawl out of the engineering shadows.
It’s been a while since we’ve heard from our mysterious, self-appointed expert, Mr. X. Long enough, in fact, that we thought perhaps he had retired his unsolicited “guides” for good.
We were wrong.
Just in time for Halloween, another piece of correspondence has mysteriously landed in our hands. This time, Mr. X has turned his considerable engineering expertise toward one of fall’s most technically demanding challenges: carving a pumpkin.
Naturally, he has thoughts. He has procedures. He has standards. And, because he’s an engineer, we’re fairly certain he has made something unnecessarily complicated.
We still don’t know exactly who Mr. X is. We have our suspicions. But after all these years, we’ve decided some mysteries are better left unsolved.
So, Mr. X, the soapbox is yours once again.
Everyone else, welcome to The Engineer’s Guide to Pumpkin Carving.
A Short History of the Jack-o’-lantern
It’s a funny word, isn’t it? Jack-o’-lantern. Say it out loud. What does that even mean?
For that, we head to Ireland and a man known as “Stingy Jack,” who apparently thought sitting down for a drink with the Devil was a perfectly reasonable idea. Even better, Jack managed to weasel his way out of paying the tab, leaving Old Scratch himself to pick it up.
Bold move, Jack.
Of course, you don’t cheat the Devil without consequences. According to folklore, Jack eventually carved a frightening face into a hollowed-out turnip, stuck a light inside, and used the glowing little nightmare to ward off evil spirits.
Thus, the jack-o’-lantern was born.
Thankfully, someone eventually ditched the turnip for the far more fashionable pumpkin, and here we are.
History lesson over. Let’s carve something
Don’t Get Too Fancy with It
If you Google “pumpkin carving” you might be overwhelmed by the volume of intricately carved pumpkins that are out there in the world. I, however, am a purist. Let’s not forget the facts; this fad started with a turnip. Let’s not forget another thing; a guy drunk enough to try and cheat the devil probably carved an ugly turnip.
With that in mind, I try to keep my carving simple. No, I don’t chisel and shave away the skin of my pumpkins. I don’t recreate The Last Supper or the Mona Lisa on my pumpkins. Instead, I try to embody the original purpose of the Jack-o’-lantern; I keep it simple and scary. However, I do a few things differently.
How to Carve a Pumpkin the Right Way
First things first: buy your pumpkin early. That’s when the shapeliest specimens are still available. Look for one that’s nice and round, with no unfortunate flat spots. Wait too long and you’ll be picking through the rejects.
And skip the warty pumpkins, heirloom gourds, and other fancy nonsense. Classic orange. Nice and round. No need to overcomplicate it.
We’ll do plenty of that later.
Let’s get started.
PUMPKIN CARVING PHASE I
1. Buy a pumpkin
2. Wash your pumpkin with some warm water and dish soap; this will kill off any mold and improve longevity of your pumpkin
3. Don’t put it on your porch or stoop until 2 weeks (or less) before Halloween, or its gonna melt into a putrid pile of pumpkin guts and fruit flies before the big night
4. Use a paring knife; don’t fall for those cheap disposable carving kits
5. With your knife, cut the bottom of you pumpkin
Why the Bottom?
Let me interrupt my process here to talk a bit about this unorthodox method of opening your pumpkin. As mainstream as it is to cut the stem, you actually release more moisture this way, drying out and killing your pumpkin faster. It’s also easier to place a candle in the bottom, and a bottom opening is almost completely hidden.
PUMPKIN CARVING PHASE II
1. Scoop the innards out of your pumpkin in long, spiral motions using a spoon
2. Collect your seeds and save them for later
3. Once your pumpkin is hollow, grab a thin Sharpie marker
4. Using your Sharpie, draw out your face design
5. Once finished, cut out your design ensuring you cut away the marker lines completely
In the evening, I prefer to put an 8” tapered candle in my pumpkins. Tea lights simply aren’t bright enough and don’t last a few hours let alone a single night.
Bonus Tip: Toast Your Pumpkins Seeds
I love to watch old Universal monster movies while eating the toasted pumpkin seeds that I salvaged from my pumpkin carving. Toasted pumpkins seeds, also known as pepitas, are delicious with a little sea salt.
Pepitas Recipe:
1. Clean the pumpkin guts off your seeds
2. Lay them in an even layer in a hot pan
3. Stir your seeds as they cook; they should become shiny and oily
4. Cook the seeds until you can smell them and they make little popping sounds in the pan
Keep it Simple, Stupid
Look, I’m an engineer. I’m in the weeds nearly every day of my life. Yet, I realized long ago that my job is to clear those weeds away for the next person. Who would have thought that engineers had so many similarities to a lawnmower? All joking aside, I think real aesthetic beauty is in simplicity; whether that’s in the way you carve a pumpkin or the way you design a building.